Updated: Nov 9, 2020
No I Don't Want A Tighter Vagina...Said No Woman Ever!
Its no secret that having a baby can stretch things out below the belt!
I mean Im not saying I have an overly large vagina, but I must admit that two natural babies one being a 9 pounder has taken its toll a little!
I remember having my first child and was told all these horror stories of how having a child would give you a baggy vajayjay so I bought some of those little weighted egg things that are on a string..you insert them and supposedly they tighten your muscles...sounds easy right?...
Well not one to shy away from a bit of self improvement I thought I would try it out. All was going swimmingly well and in they pop, once in I didn't feel a thing so into town I go conscious of how I was walking and feeling slightly embarrassed, even though there was no way anyone could have known they were in there... Well that was the case until I had to confess all to the security guard in C&A! So as I go to leave the shop the alarms go off, I look around and no-one else is there. I haven't bought anything so can't think why they are going off, the security guard comes over and asks to look in my bags. He asks me to walk back through the doors and the alarm goes off again...OMFG panic starts to rise, I remember that these bloody eggs that are in my vagina are weighted WITH MAGNETS! and they setting off the bloody alarms! The look on the security guards face was a picture when I had to explain to him! I think he was more embarrassed than me!
Now Ive never really fielded any complaints in the vajayjay department but a dramatic star jump on a trampoline showed me and everyone in the fitness class that my pelvic floor had actually been reduced to rubble! I mean it wasnt even a dribble it was a significant gush...So with my soggy nether regions I head to the loo in shear embarrasment. Now dont get me wrong Im not walking about 24 hours a day dribbling pee, but Im also not clamping down on my partners penis like a venus fly trap whilst he screams to be let go either! I used to go for hours and not need to pee but now if I need to go I need to go!
Now I dont want to be that mum that stinks of pee, or the one that has to wear black from the waist down in case I have a little widdle...I mean Im ot being funny Ive never done a pelvic floor exercise in my life and in hindsight maybe I should have...whoops! but if Im being honest all that pulling up and releasing is a lot of effort in my book...Im a 'I need instant results' kinda girl!
So Ive done some research and there's a new non-surgical procedure for vagina tightening...This is a godsend right?! Its called a femi-lift just in case its of interest to anyone. Its a high intensity focused ultrasound treatment that stimulates collagen production and in turn gives you a tighter vagina! So basically a femi wand is inserted, it emits ultrasound into the deepest layer of the vagina and rotates 360 degrees to cover the whole of the vagina wall. Two to three treatments are recommended and it does come at a cost of about £495 per treatment. It only takes 20mins so you could even have it done in your lunch break and go back to your desk quite literally a new woman!
Now I would be a bit worried that inserting a massive light sabre in my nether regions might scorch my vagina to a burnt crisp and having something rotate against your vaginal walls might make you feel like you have a rotisserie chicken stuck up your vagina, but you know what if this is the way to show your vagina a little love then maybe it'll all be worth it!
So girls I will leave it to you...But something to think about right?