All The Hairy Details...
FULL DISCLOSURE ALERT: MY BUSH IS NOT A FULL AMAZONIAN CHAPARRAL I'VE BEEN CLEARING MY UNDER THICKET FOR A LONG TIME NOW...I'M ALL ABOUT THE GO BARE OR GO HOME, ALTHOUGH I TOTALLY RESPECT THAT A BIT OF GENITALIA TOPIARY SHOULD BE A PREFERENCE NOT A NECESSITY!
FOR YEARS I SHAVED...TOO EMBARRASSED TO SHOW MY FOOFOO TO ANYONE! I USED THE DREADED RAZOR & AS A RESULT GOT FRICTION BURNS, INGROWN HAIRS & USED TO WALK DOWN THE STREET CROSSED LEGGED SQUIRMING WHILST I TRIED TO SCRATCH THE ITCH THAT WAS THERE CONSTANTLY FOR WEEKS AS MY HAIR GREW BACK!
SO I TURNED TO THE WAX! BUT MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WAS NOT TO BE A GOOD ONE! (PLEASE NOTE I WAS NOT A BEAUTY THERAPIST AT THE TIME) SO INTO THE BATHROOM I WENT EXCITED THAT I WAS GOING TO HAVE A HAIR FREE FOOFOO. SO LADEN WITH WAX IN ONE HAND & STRIPS IN THE OTHER I ENTER THE BATHROOM. I SLATHER THE WAX ALL OVER MY LADY GARDEN & THEN HIT THAT STRIP RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE! THAT'S WHAT YOU DO RIGHT? WRONG!
OMG HOW THE HECK DO I GET THIS OFF ITS LIKE PULLING A PLASTER BUT A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE! OK I IMMEDIATELY REVERT TO LABOUR BREATHING BUT ID STUCK THE WAX UP MY BUM CRACK AS WELL AND FELT LIKE I COULDN’T BREATHE...NOW I KNOW YOU DON’T BREATHE OUT OF YOUR BUM HOLE BUT I FELT LIKE I WAS SUFFOCATING!
PANIC SETS IN FEAR RISES I COULD BE STUCK LIKE THIS FOREVER! SO I TRY TO MANOEUVRE FROM THE TOILET SEAT OMG I'M ACTUALLY SWEATING NOW I CAN’T MOVE I'M STUCK FAST...THIS WAX GETS EVERYWHERE & THE PAIN OMG GIVE ME LABOUR ANY DAY!
THINK NAT THINK WHAT DO I DO I DELVE INTO THE CUPBOARD TRYING TO FIND ANYTHING TO HELP...NOT AN EASY FEAT WHEN YOU'RE STUCK TO THE LOO! BABY OIL...GOD SEND I SPENT THE NEXT FEW HOURS PRISING THE WAX FROM MY EXTREMELY PAINFUL VAGINA! AFTER WHAT FELT LIKE HOURS I'M FREE! I MANAGE TO WALK & GET SOME SCISSORS TO TRIM THE REMAINING WAX!
I CRY
1. BECAUSE I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN
2. BECAUSE I FEEL SO TOTALLY STUPID AND DID'NT REALISE YOU SHOULD ONLY DO SMALL STRIPS AT A TIME
3. BECAUSE I'VE STILL GOT ALL THE FRIGGING HAIR ON MY VAGINA AFTER A FOUR HOUR MARATHON OF TRYING TO REMOVE IT
SO THE MORAL OF THIS TRUE STORY IS
1. STOP SHAVING
2. DON’T TRY WAXING AT HOME
3. GO TO A PROFESSIONAL
SINCE MY DISASTER I WOULD LIKE TO SAY I WENT ON TO TRAIN AS A THERAPIST & NOW CREDIT MYSELF FOR MY WAXING ABILITY...BOOM!
I TRAINED IN INTIMATE WAXING WITH KIM LAWLESS WHO IS UNDOUBTEDLY THE BEST WAXING TRAINER IN THE UK! SO GIRLS IF YOU COME TO ME FOR A WAX YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO EXPERIENCE ANY OF THE ABOVE HUMILIATION!
SO I ASSUME YOU ARE READING THIS AS YOU ARE INTRIGUED ABOUT HAVING A BIKINI WAX...YOU WILL SO NOT REGRET YOUR DECISION, THE SLIPPERY SMOOTH SENSATION OF YOUR FIRST EVER WAXED FOOFOO IS PURE SATISFACTION!...JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE A SHOWER IT'S LIKE A BLOODY WATER SLIDE LET ME TELL YOU!
THERE IS NO EMBARRASSMENT TO BE HAD AT ROWAN RETREAT WE ALL COME IN DIFFERENT SHAPES & SIZES & ALL HAVE OUR OWN PREFERENCES IN HOW WE LIKE OUR VAGINAS TO LOOK & I RESPECT THAT!
I DON’T CARE IF YOU ARE A SIZE 8 OR A SIZE 28 WHETHER YOU HAVE A STICKY OUTTY OR AN INVERTED INNY! ALL I CARE ABOUT IS REMOVING THE HAIR YOU WANT GONE...THAT YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE...AND YOU LEAVE TRUSTING ME AND FEELING HAPPY WITH THE RESULTS!
SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR GET RID OF THE HAIR & LETS GET BARE!
YOU'RE SO WELCOME XX
